BARTENDER

It's clock in,
Look around,
Frame my mind...
Warm up, nice and smooth,
Just two orders at a time.
It's "do this" and "that's the price",
To the new staff.
It's wave, wave, wave,
Burnin through the goddamn
Whiskey fast.
It's glares, it's snickers,
It's bros, it's tits,
It's, "can I see your ID please?",
It's double shot,
It's hi-ball, lowball,
"Do you have it?"
"You gotta get it."
"Make us four!"
Don't even get a please,
Ah, fuck it with polite.
Make it fast, get it right.
"Can you call me a cab?"
"Go outside!"
"I'm not serving you pal,
Leave the bar."

...

It's late. It's heavy.
It's wet hair and long pauses.
It's a damn fine cause.
It's open bottles, clinking glasses,
Surprises, chances,
Random acts of coalescing.
It's a last beer after a long sweep.
It's the company I keep.
It's just work.

How my days wind me down...
I could climb the social summit,
But there'd just be another peak ahead.
Whose got time to deal in that display?
I'd rather stay simple and sane.

No reply from a wayward thought.
A vision of smoothness
That I'm better off not
Finding alone to wrestle all
My thoughts;
It might cost much but it's lost.

The void to fill is my own.
Let the rest of this year be the
Continuance of a good challenge,
And see me win the rest of me back.
I had a place all my own;
I had a vision right from the start.

Cold apples
Are what it's become.
That's what it all boils down to
With me.
You feel them on your tongue;
Smooth, cool slivers rising up
To press your gums;
Whole mouth sweet and numb.

Better buy the whole bag.
Not my favorite, but still so good.
Delicious red hues and shape;
Every one so different in taste,
Yet so alike in so many ways.
Cold apples in the afternoon
With sun spilling everywhere
Upon me restless.

Restless for a change. Change
My number, change my game.
Some great thing must be
On its way and soon. This vision
Of Life changed quickly;
Dropped it's secrets a little and
You know they all make sense.
But I'm still me before this for
The cold apple still remains.

All our lives,
A public display.
Exhibitionist fashion persistent,
So transparent;
So undone by deprivation.
Seeds a reason
Not to ask the hard questions,
Rather decipher fragmentary
Thought, and assume
To know the cause.

Put the machine down a minute.
Put your face before your face,
Look deep and long and see.
Put down the machine goddammit.
You have to admit it's all just shit.
There's nothing worth saving
In this temporary, superficial game.

So much work
Just to get at how you tick,
And all this time I've realized
How the heart of the matter
Just isn't in it,
Just not near,
And further from you
Do I get with the more I
Soak up page by page.
But you weren't there;
Say a bunch of things
But you're always hiding, dear.

Put the machine down this instant.
Put your face before my face,
Look deep and long and know.
Put the machine down for good.
I must admit it's really quite tragic,
When electricity becomes enigmatic
To the point where I don't know
Anyone anymore.

Back peddling all the way,
Even in the simple grace
Of a beautiful face before me;
I disillusion any circumstance.
Guess I don't want that gift.
Guess I'm not ready for that
Landslide of feeling to
Come driving down my measure,
Making me open and exposed
To the elements of the heart again.
I just can't give anymore.
Feel like I need a break.
I've built a plateau so high
That very few, if any could reach.
I'm getting by on my own,
But I shudder to think of what may be
When someone reaches that peak...
So scared to understand that nature.
So burdened I might exist
Without a witness to it's arrival.
I laugh out of habit.
I recount the rising hairline.
I suspense with superficial pleasantries;
I want all of the real. I want to
Move and be moved by it.
I need all of what is. I cannot
Function by design without these.
I am afraid I've missed the chance.
I skip along despite this loss
And hope again to
Join in this awkward dance.

Take it all, and be content.
The good and the bad,
The long and restless;
The easy and sweet.
You do not get both worlds.
Find the image
That reflects your true nature
And please embrace it.
Do not be afraid.
It is no matter
Of hard importance.
Only a simple obligation,
To accept that simple vision,
The one that is you.
Dwell not in bitterness.
Don't fault the choices
You could not make.
Just stride and live on
The right way, for once.
Give yourself room for error,
And abide the consequence
Of great loss ever so often.
Of misinterpretation;
Of unfortunate circumstance.
Be you, and no one else.
Hard to find, impossible to ignore.
May the best be always won
By such simple presence.