The Me I Am

The Me I am
Is strange, is pensive.
Highly sexual.
Two-faced, rebellious,
Most introspective.
Fantasy-ridden,
That is to say detached.
Where is the moment?
I lost it. Always lose the point;
Always find a way out,
Even if I won't take it.
A little tragic, a bit dramatic.
Harbor, hover, distance,
Smother. Seek the deepest
But be impatient; an
Instant gratification wager,
Always losing every gamble.
Purely mammal, not quite
Human. Feeling it all might
Be absurd. Illogical emotions
That kill me much. I search my
Own rhythm but so off time,
And now the clouds cover
Every attempt to reinvent
Existence with new purpose.
I think it's a prison, a dragging
Lifeless thing sticking
To my stride; won't let me out,
Can't let me tell me lies.
Face my mirror,
I am apprehensive. But I'm
Also playful. Joyful. Silly. Warm.
I know I can be, anyway.
I will argue much, out of this need
For so much attention. Think
I must have been so sad and
Lonely long ago. Childhood hurts
A pain so beautiful that
Every other thing in life cannot
Cast shadows over
The very firsts of any experience.

Bursts of incommunicable
Wonderment overwhelming
Such sweet happiness and sorrow.
I am not very proud of me,
But I'm ok right now.
What more can I have?
Every beautiful thing in me
Feels good and gone.
It's all mixed up, I'm all mixed up,
I know I'm not right;
Feel that absence, so scared
It might not ever come back.
I am a good man.
I just don't know who I am.

"Bless the things we do and
Do not say to one another,
For they dictate and define us
Far better than we ourselves
Could ever ascertain."

So I found the border between
Where we've been and where
We may go. There's a wall,
And I can either knock it down,
Scale over it, or ask permission
To reach that other end.
This discovery haunts me greatly.

Bless the things we do and
Do not say to one another,
For they fill our heads with
Something better than another
Day alone, even if it's so damn
Bittersweet and hard, like candy
Too long left forgotten in
The bottom of a purse.

Bottom of my heart,
Don't know what the hell to do
About any of this.
Think I might just have forgotten
How the hell to love at all.

But I'm hoping it's not true...

I'm always, always looking for that
Perfect accompaniment. Stand firmly,
Planted by me simply in whatever
Goddamn thing we're engaged.
I guess I'm simple in the end.
I don't need much to keep this big,
Stupid heart going. I just want another
Misfit to roam about with. Someone
That can save my wreck when it comes.
Someone that might let me take lead;
I won't steer the thing the wrong way,
I promise. I tell ya though, I get lost
A lot. Visceral distance brought on by
Lack of understanding of my own
Damn self. I neglect the most potential
Things for a silly whim of the innate,
Particular to my brand. We run; we can
Also very much take a strong stand.
So it's come to this: lost and so much
More confused and abandoning the
Notion of proper love as the thing.
After all, I haven't always given proper
Love to those that mattered. I've hurt
Those close to me much. In the end
I suppose I've learned the kind of pain
You could know from a firm shake of
Everything crashing down at once.
I lost myself and probably for good.
This new guy might be all wrong.