BARTENDER

It's clock in,
Look around,
Frame my mind...
Warm up, nice and smooth,
Just two orders at a time.
It's "do this" and "that's the price",
To the new staff.
It's wave, wave, wave,
Burnin through the goddamn
Whiskey fast.
It's glares, it's snickers,
It's bros, it's tits,
It's, "can I see your ID please?",
It's double shot,
It's hi-ball, lowball,
"Do you have it?"
"You gotta get it."
"Make us four!"
Don't even get a please,
Ah, fuck it with polite.
Make it fast, get it right.
"Can you call me a cab?"
"Go outside!"
"I'm not serving you pal,
Leave the bar."

...

It's late. It's heavy.
It's wet hair and long pauses.
It's a damn fine cause.
It's open bottles, clinking glasses,
Surprises, chances,
Random acts of coalescing.
It's a last beer after a long sweep.
It's the company I keep.
It's just work.

How my days wind me down...
I could climb the social summit,
But there'd just be another peak ahead.
Whose got time to deal in that display?
I'd rather stay simple and sane.

No reply from a wayward thought.
A vision of smoothness
That I'm better off not
Finding alone to wrestle all
My thoughts;
It might cost much but it's lost.

The void to fill is my own.
Let the rest of this year be the
Continuance of a good challenge,
And see me win the rest of me back.
I had a place all my own;
I had a vision right from the start.

Cold apples
Are what it's become.
That's what it all boils down to
With me.
You feel them on your tongue;
Smooth, cool slivers rising up
To press your gums;
Whole mouth sweet and numb.

Better buy the whole bag.
Not my favorite, but still so good.
Delicious red hues and shape;
Every one so different in taste,
Yet so alike in so many ways.
Cold apples in the afternoon
With sun spilling everywhere
Upon me restless.

Restless for a change. Change
My number, change my game.
Some great thing must be
On its way and soon. This vision
Of Life changed quickly;
Dropped it's secrets a little and
You know they all make sense.
But I'm still me before this for
The cold apple still remains.

All our lives,
A public display.
Exhibitionist fashion persistent,
So transparent;
So undone by deprivation.
Seeds a reason
Not to ask the hard questions,
Rather decipher fragmentary
Thought, and assume
To know the cause.

Put the machine down a minute.
Put your face before your face,
Look deep and long and see.
Put down the machine goddammit.
You have to admit it's all just shit.
There's nothing worth saving
In this temporary, superficial game.

So much work
Just to get at how you tick,
And all this time I've realized
How the heart of the matter
Just isn't in it,
Just not near,
And further from you
Do I get with the more I
Soak up page by page.
But you weren't there;
Say a bunch of things
But you're always hiding, dear.

Put the machine down this instant.
Put your face before my face,
Look deep and long and know.
Put the machine down for good.
I must admit it's really quite tragic,
When electricity becomes enigmatic
To the point where I don't know
Anyone anymore.

Back peddling all the way,
Even in the simple grace
Of a beautiful face before me;
I disillusion any circumstance.
Guess I don't want that gift.
Guess I'm not ready for that
Landslide of feeling to
Come driving down my measure,
Making me open and exposed
To the elements of the heart again.
I just can't give anymore.
Feel like I need a break.
I've built a plateau so high
That very few, if any could reach.
I'm getting by on my own,
But I shudder to think of what may be
When someone reaches that peak...
So scared to understand that nature.
So burdened I might exist
Without a witness to it's arrival.
I laugh out of habit.
I recount the rising hairline.
I suspense with superficial pleasantries;
I want all of the real. I want to
Move and be moved by it.
I need all of what is. I cannot
Function by design without these.
I am afraid I've missed the chance.
I skip along despite this loss
And hope again to
Join in this awkward dance.

Take it all, and be content.
The good and the bad,
The long and restless;
The easy and sweet.
You do not get both worlds.
Find the image
That reflects your true nature
And please embrace it.
Do not be afraid.
It is no matter
Of hard importance.
Only a simple obligation,
To accept that simple vision,
The one that is you.
Dwell not in bitterness.
Don't fault the choices
You could not make.
Just stride and live on
The right way, for once.
Give yourself room for error,
And abide the consequence
Of great loss ever so often.
Of misinterpretation;
Of unfortunate circumstance.
Be you, and no one else.
Hard to find, impossible to ignore.
May the best be always won
By such simple presence.

So for my transgressions,
And the adopted behavior I create
To compensate,
I release this beast to the wild.
Let him go and be forever gone.
I'll think about that wild nature,
Look about my soundings still,
And make decisions that make sense
From now on. The heart is lucky;
It feels implicit and correct.
Minds get in the way, and try to
Correct the course. Stupid minds.
What does tried experience know
Of innate instinct?
Still beating, still breathing.
Still wondering where it leads.
Going to listen implicitly.
My brain fails. My heart still tries.
Whatever road it leads to I will abide.

Dear boy,
You're a good soul in the end.
Why hide behind
Such petty display,
When you could triumph,
If only you gave it a day.
Don't you get that the true display
Of you is the perpetuation of
Shear humanity? Give you always,
And don't be afraid of reprisal,
And all of life will pull their boot straps
Up, trying to catch to your momentum.
You've got it, never lost it. A keen eye
For what is right, but assimilation
Takes aim, and you become lost.
Don't you lose sight again,
For as long as you live.

Air is thick, grass is heavy green;
It's the beginning of July.
I can already hear the percussive
Resonance of preemptive display
For the celebratory night,
When there is no spare in the
Feast of light in the night skies.

Many a summer calls me here,
To join in the display of favor,
But none so awkward a holiday,
To be spending it alone after
Such a long while.
Being alone is a good thing.
Teaches you who you are,
Or are heading to be. Am I happy
With this outcome? Happen to chance
That someone I used to know was
Best suited for this accompaniment,
But that is all now the past.
Why dwell? I can let myself explode
Like a mortar shell in the darkness
And dissipate in a flicker of
Beautiful, impermanent flames.
We are temporary from the beginning;
Why try to counteract that notion?

I have had long hours cast in shadows
Behind blinded windows low lit.
What lay behind them silenced by
The drone of highways, rustling covers
And wood creak floors paced upon.
Brooding as a strong suit, waiting to be
Hidden in the cloak of night's turning,
Where even I can feel some end.
I have counted days of rain and sun,
Seen them all coalesce in fine grace
In their own way, but kept myself hidden,
I do not go out these days.
Though the paycheck serves to cause,
And really I am lucky as such,
The only reward I've gained
Is a bottle for a friend, and long distance
Phone calls to pass some time.
From the moment I've drawn breath
Was given a good life, one that I
Cannot command; there is some
Meaning I've yet to find in this dance,
And every time it rains the walls drip;
The ceiling threatens to cave in.

I've passed miles of empty road,
And the only bliss I see anymore
Are the big fields at sunset, the great
Grazing beasts lazing in the evening hour
As I glide by solemn on a motor bike,
Knowing I must turn around,
But never wanting to.
And where would I go? What to attend?
Spend a long month visiting friends
Scattered about this land like
Monuments? And after, what then?
Board a ship secretly and sail away,
Never to be seen again? What good
Would that cause, for a runaway like me?
I cannot find my way out of this box.
It fractures my structures, it echos
All my sense out of me.
I am locked and I am lost. I do not seek
More advice. I only wish to be at peace,
To be left alone,
Until I am complete.

What is certain in the light?
Hoping that I'll do it well.
Spoken softly in the night;
World has crumbled but oh well.

You use to know you used to know,
Just how to put on a good show.
I might as well move on, ahead,
You're running in my mind too long.

Wishing on this star ain't right.
The past is seen in a new light.
The darkness is alot of miles ahead.
But this candle burns on in the night,
A river shimmers in the faint white light.

So, sun gone for the move back home
Where I'm a stranger and a ghost,
Gonna see just how damn clever I've
Become, gonna see just how much I'm wrong.

Just because the substance doesn't
Arrive the way you thought it'd be,
It doesn't mean it isn't there.
Volume is a manifold perspective.
Stupid hearts try to adhere it,
But they never see it,
Hardly hear it. Pulse, rhythm, beat.
Why don't you go ahead and
Drown those memories for good;
Let them sink deep and heady.
Tie a heavy rock and watch the descend
As the new revelations make haste.
You could grow from that.
We could all grow something,
Some kind of thing from that.
What else is there to do?
We are all lost children.
We didn't get it right, like some do.
We fucked it up a bit,
So we contend with time,
And try to reconcile the difference.
But it may take a long while...
Are we Ok with that?

No armor now. Wide open.
The world comes crashing in.
And the light burns these fresh eyes;
The darkness makes them afraid.
Can I contend with the ghosts of
My past? Can I combat this new image
With nothing of my own to defend?
I'll be alright somewhere, somehow.
I'm capable of being alone.
But to think of all these thoughts,
Feelings, witnessed beauty,
And to share it alone, so sad.
I do not mean that I need some love.
As far as I'm concerned love can
Take a long vacation from me.
But a friend, a close body to confide;
Someone whom I can understand,
Who understands me,
So pleasant, so nice.
We were not made to walk this cosmic
Body alone. We were built to unite.
I am not in unison.

Every single person is a gift.
Beautiful spirits, we float.
We glide this earth strident,
And hope for the right being
To open us up. Some may stray
While waiting. Some find it fast,
And hold on for dear life;
Life becoming dear the moment
Of meeting. Whatever the harbor,
Love abounds. It does not discriminate.
It presents itself to all.
So keep eyes open. Do not hold back.
Instinct is love's implicit act.
Oh, you'll find that sweet ease and release. You were young once. You
Dreamed of all this so. Sometimes it
Takes a while. You can't make that plan,
How are you to know? Just let it glide
On down to you sweet and easy.
That's the way it's going to come.
Trust in this and not much more.
The meaning is less complicated
Than all you've been searching for.

Phosphorescent wake delights
In the quiet evening observation
As I'm swaying to and fro from
Intoxicating liquids.
All is quiet now. Faint hum,
Sea foam breeze, incoherent.
But that
Was all
Miles away from here.
I hear the bugs chirping now,
And tree frogs serenading.
Something has the right mind
For such a night.
Perfect humidity,
Temperate and unafraid,
The evening comes strumming in,
And soon I'll leave it,
In tasteless sleep,
To dwindle perfectly idle hours away.

The trials of human to human
Are clash, burn, rash, big.
Distant, close, want, soothe.
Ache, stop, go, stay.
Human to human. We are fucked up
On connection. How does it work?
How can it happen? How did it go?
Comes and goes like the tossing wind.

Nearing a time I ought collapse
Under the weight of someone else's
Ideals, I stumble forward resolute;
It's not my time to shake my heart dry
Of anything that hurt it.
It can take much more than I ever
Knew it could before. Toss it into
This distressed sea of connections,
Let it fall by the countless tumble
Of wave after blue green wave
Until it becomes as the tide,
Easy come, easy go.
Like a simple chord on a piano,
I'll wither easy into night,
Unafraid for my future, for once.

~Wanted~

A place to call a home.

Must have ample space,

A vibrant local lifestyle,

A good hand in the arts, including music,

Visual, and random.

Plenty of variation in people.

Parks are a plus.

A place to grab a drink,

And the potential for holding hands.

Geography is important, but not

Absolutely necessary. Temperate weather

Is preferred, but not essential.

A decent local economy is nice.

Please reply as soon as possible.

Everything changes
All of the time. How am I
To keep up with these swings?
To bear my heart, to breach
My center surrounding all the
Armor I've built up to stand against this?
Yet I lay my hands down.
I can see the truth, the pain.
I cannot change a thing.
I can love or I can go insane.
I can rearrange some things.
They have woven out a chord,
I might hear it or ignore it.
I might conquer this for good.
I might crumble and dissolve.
I, I, I, have too much me in mind.
Live for the living,
Love more for the trying.

Act on impulse.
Uniquely human.
Isn't that correct?
Why save all those moments
For something not guaranteed?
Take what's yours
While it's given.
This life, this body,
It's fleeting horribly quickly.
Might as well savor while
The breath is viral.
I will drive this presence.
I will not suffer by others' faults.
I want my own,
And fuck fear for it's state of play.
I'll not be swayed,
Much tougher than that prison.
Tell me your story,
I'll hear it fine.
Just so long as you don't confuse it
With mine.
I'm me.
Explosion.

Curry favor of any proportion
To touch your lips to mine
For a moment.
I've imagined the smoothness
Of your skin a hundred times;
Gracefully bowed before your
Presence; captivated, completely
Absorbed in your surface,
And how you might act
With the lights low, alone.
I don't know much else, don't care
For the moment. Want to take you
And breathe deep rhythmic breath
In consonance unending:
My intentions are not sacred,
The fire is deep,
The water is warm.

Can I conquer your depths?
Am I allowed a moment
To crave this beast of feeling
Given by a lark of time and
Distance? I feel that willing
To crawl to you humbly
And beg a fraction of your flesh.
I am soaked in its thoughts;
It breathes and begs me onward.
I've been sleeping so long
This awakened thought stirs
My motives so distorted that
I would wind the world for a portion,
But I'd take it all-I'm greedy.
I want the sting and pulse,
Want the grapple and tumble
Underneath woven sheets
Soaked in our fine disgrace.