What is the meaning to one's life?

That is the question. The question of all questions. Some tumble through without giving it a thought. Some find it in the aftermath of many years unfolded, sitting in a chair, watching a sunset settle. Money brings me little comfort. I imagine what it would be like to come into great sums of the stuff. I would buy this or that, visit this or that place, but I would end up right here where I am. So money won't fix it. Some find it in God. I admire to the utmost those people, but I don't think I fall in with their kind. Some find it in helping others. Maybe that's my path. I'll admit I haven't been very active in that department. Some find it in art. That's where I want it to be. It would be easy for me to sink into some music and fall freely towards the rhythm and pulse, the melodic drip by drip of ecstasy. This culture is cruel to music though. Everything is changing and fleeting to fast. Doesn't make the endeavor all together worthless, just a harder fight. I grow older every day. And now, being home, things like marriage and children and that other bit of life that everyone ascertains as the next logical step arrive at the doorstep in my mind. I feel and fear for it, for some reason. Is it because I'm afraid I might fail? Possibly. Is it because it would eliminate any last glint of a chance that I might have to find my meaning before I can teach it to others? Probably. Fatherhood is among many other things a personal tour guide through first experiences. You witness every one of them and hope you can react to each one with the right calculation, so that when your child grows older he or she will walk the world with grace, bravery, a steady mind and a fearless, open heart. These are all traits I am lacking. I'm currently afraid of the world. Afraid of what it will do to me if I venture out into it again. But it's also like a drug I can't kick. The highs are so very high, but the lows nearly kill. My grace is unsteady. My heart is severely bruised and my mind is riddled with so many questions, the chief one being, "what is the meaning of my life?" It's not an easy question. Try asking yourself once and a while. I would love to hear your answer. It wouldn't help but it would be nice to know someone who has seen journey's walking path. I'm not going to be guided by fear, and I'm not going to be blindly running away from this quandary. I must be still. I must meditate on this and these thoughts long and with clear-minded focus, and hope for the answer. Let the painful process begin.