Thoughts and Rockets That Blow Outside/Inside Me

I only have ten minutes for you, here's my best:

Living here, being subdued to my old routine, with new realizations, is a suffrage. I have hurt some, and hurt someone(s), and the pain illudes me all the day until I finally lay my head down and the ghost of the year past lashes out at my heart before I feel the sleep compression. So many things have happened, and so much of it I can barely catch up to.

Everybody is so fucked up and lost and I'm no goddamn exception. But I am not a phony. I may be a coward in some regards, but I am not a liar and I am not intentionally driven to cause someone wrong. If I had to say it everyday I would say I'm sorry, but alas I no longer have that opportunity. This is my last time writing about it and so I'll make the rest quick and simple. I wanted my friend. I wanted you to be as we were before all this got spun out of hand, because I couldn't handle added pressure. If that makes me a coward, then I am. We are both guilty I suppose, but I won't defend myself because I was wrong in conduct and judgement. THAT is all I have, and that is all I will for the time between here and my leaving. I surely won't find myself out there in the vast unknown, but I will have time to sort things out for myself. I only wish we could all do that. I only wish for the best for everyone, for christ's sake. I feel like I've been so lost for so long now that anything i say or do is just wasting someone else's time or my own and causing someone some burden along the way. Well if that is how it is, then that is how it is.

My apologies for the rant; I have been bottling up this shit for a while. There's an A-game version of the story that I won't be telling you, because I would rather just plain get out of the habit of feeling sorry for myself if that's alright.

*Only those who are envolved with said subject(s) will understand this message. If you have no idea what I'm talking about you would do just as well to read another entry, as this is just a bitching fit.*

-C