Reflections While In Transit

Well, it's 11:50pm again; "another day, another dollar" as they say. I talked to a marine today; one whom I knew from years ago when I was in high school. I often wonder if I should have gone off such as he and so many other of my fellow young friends did. I guess at the time I didn't feel the necessary escapism it would be to have joined. Now... it is certainly a candidacy for debate. Of course, I would suffer endless arrows of judgement from my peers and siblings. This and that about the government and its unecessary involvement and spouts of Bush and his power plays with politics and the likes. People continually fail to understand that a man or woman doesn't join the collective fight for those reasons, hardly ever. They do it for personal reasons; their own. Some for the discipline and sense of purpose, some for the money either for educational or convenience purposes, some simply for something to do in a world that to them is seemingly mediocre and insufficient. I myself would participate for the experience itself. How else am I to truly understand a conflict or incident if I am not actively involved and able to physically see? That is my logic though. It is not very often that I take someone's word for anything. Some would say that that is a stubborn atitude but in truth it is just a matter of choosing not to. If i see fit the counsel of my fellow man or woman than I shall adhere to it and not question my own promptings. I choose my own promptings. At any rate, I am not saying that I am going to join a branch of the armed forces and send myself elsewhere for a matter of years. I am just speaking theoretically about a particular situation that has been repeatedly brought to my attention.

I really don't know what I will do. I think if there is any constant state in which my mind has been behaving as of lately it would have to be a small but everpresent sense of helplessness for the future in which I am involved. That, to me, seems like such a silly way to be thinking, but I cannot help it sometimes. There is a statement for you; "I cannot help feeling helpless."

I know in time the things I am seeking with clarify themselves; that I will sooner or later find what it is I am after and follow with the confidence of decision to pursue it without reprimend.

Being home, as I am, seems to be a starting point; a place where I can gain insight into who I am and what I want to do. I have nothing overly distracting to me here, so I am continually faced with evaluating the me that is my being in existence. Sooner or later things will surface. For now I study, and work, and write and breathe and smoke a few hundred more cigarettes. I often wish I could just forget that I was ever a smoker to begin with. I would wake up and breathe the air and not think about craving those awful little things.

Well, enough banter. I'm tired and this is all just purposelessness.

-C.A. Dominick