September: I Am Lost To You These Days

September is here; it has been for a while now i guess. This month, now just another month, was once a sort of embodiment of all my longings, harbored feelings, sadness, joy, pain and passion. This year it seems all that has been erased or eroded away from me, my heart, my head. I guess I don't really understand. If growing up means leaving behind all those feelings, feelings that were real and affecting, then I don't wish another day should pass. Often I recall what it is that was going on in my life at that once sought for time. I see that I was young, full of energy, innocence, and lack of responsibility or at least the awareness of it and its toll. Whatever was going on it was more potent than it is now; or perhaps I've fallen asleep to life's wayward ways. When you are a child, perfection need not be achieved, for children and childhood itself is perfection. Adults are a mess of complexities and insecurities. It is clear now that the subject I am encircling is Innocence. For purposes of explanation I will share with you a poem I wrote, of this very month, years ago.

*It is a lengthier piece but it sheds light on what I was like three or four years ago as opposed to now. I'm sure after reading my blog once or twice you have a relatively good idea of where my head is at these days.

"I feel the fall bring with it a wake in me I know I’ve known before.
The simple song of sweet September; somber, reflective, desperate for a need to be needed.
The distance between my arms and my lovers stays astray because I cannot give myself.
Seasons change like moods, and leaves fall quiet, but why? And whoever for?
Were to all be expected such rejoice from all this captive silence?
Not I, surely; I live lonely in its swelter, through its peak, and of its purpose.
Can I reside the future?
Can I take the stars that I so chose to claim whence I was a child?
So and some do long this whisper, though they all very well know they idle,
Brisk or slow amongst the solemn streets they go about, and inside shout for something more.
You will say that things will change and I will say how brilliant!
Amaze me, amaze me evermore with such words of wisdom!
Go on, tell me that death is inevitable, that the pain we all feel is never fun,
Fill my head full of your common sense jargon.
Blank is the page and clear is the canvas we see before,
Jests aside I wish no more,
For you are bade to paint and pen across all the emptiness you see.
You will fill the reasons for your pain, and tears and aching; revel in its joyous occasions,
Ones that you made real.
Chilling against my cheek is the air that lingers about in places;
Change the mood and see unfold of old the times and custom we create,
A lonely wall that speaks to you some of the longest and loneliest nights and seasons;
Starless, scapeless, hopeless and dreamless souls that scrape their hardened hands against
The cold and callous stone.
Will you plead your sadness too?
Consider the stream to which you find in you confides an essence of the past you know you cannot change.
Will it always be so saddened and distressful and subsided and forgotten, like an answer you wish you didn't find,
Stuck in mind like all the others that lead to your swimming in the streams of loneliness?
Just to harden out all the facts, do you remember the green of life anymore?
Have you forgotten all the lovely walks and every bit of splendorous color your eyes cultivate?
Please don't remain so settled in such despair, Sweet September.
For out of us to know that you live in hearts forever, apart of the season so much of us know most well.
My love for life was made in you, and I live on for reasons such as that."

Alright, alright, so even then I was a bit of a grim motherfucker, but at there were hints of hopeful moments. I don't know of whom some of the poem was directed; my best guess is myself. I don't write like that anymore either; not just the tone but the style. Everything is shorter or more fictional. I think at once I had a good glimpse of myself as to who I was and where I was going but that has since been lost to me. Perhaps it left with all of my changes, both physical and mental. All the things I've done over the past few years, good and bad. Reflection and hindsight lead me to believe that there was a sense of purity and purpose before and that that is all gone now. I don't want to believe it but I am having so much trouble trying to find it in the life I now live. I keep thinking, "somewhere else, that'll do it." Somehow that can't be the total solution, though I'm sure it is in part. Another part of me thinks it is that it has been so long since I have felt love for someone; and not fucked it up or been too scared to actually embrace my feelings. The more I go the further from myself I seem to get. This transition has been the hardest yet and whats worse is that I do not know where it will end and who I will have become. Me, of course, but the physical body is nothing to the reflection of the inner soul.

September, if it has maintained anything of its presence in me, is a month containing reflection and rememberance.

-C.A. Dominick