Two Steps Back

I feel as if I've still been trying to rush so much of everything here lately. Honestly, its hard to find that happy medium. On the one hand, I can be a huge procrastinator, never making up my mind; never finalizing. On the other, I am prone to spontaneous actions, going wherever the wind takes me. Quite frankly, its getting to be too much. It makes me not want to speak to anyone about anything because I will probably say something that won't be true or I will do something I said otherwise. I want to take this winter off from everything. To not think about college or where I am going to move or what I want to do or bands or poems or anything. I am tired of making excuses and promises and engaging myself in things that are not completely rational and what I really want. Sure, I am young, and still have time enough to screw around a bit longer without losing too much slack, but I don't have that much more time at my disposal and I guess I'm just through fucking around with myself. I will smoke cigarettes and do push-ups and practice my guitar and write when I feel I must and work hard and relax with good books and good company. I long for some of my northern friends and their savory conversation and their delightful company, but I feel at this point it would be wrong to go running back. Not until I have myself straight.

-C