My darling,
This is a reality,
But it isn't real.
Quit your fussing and let me take the wheel.
My baby,
Trust my measure now,
I'm in love with you.
Quit your fighting and let me do what I do.
You are hurt,
And you think you deserve it,
But that's not true, no,
Give me my time to stop the hurting in you.
I want us.
All of my heart says I do.
We should see this through.
I won't give you the hurt you always knew, and I knew too.
Lately everything has been upside down,
And I'm casting wishes upon pages,
Taking vitamins and thinning out,
Running marathons in my mind
About the things I don't know.
I see the universe in twos.
Always a pair, in every way.
I calculate accident percentage,
I know where to buy my fruit.
I can find anybody's lost remote.
I see the last episode of this present life.
I see the counterpart of many halves
Made whole again in forward days.
And the hardest thing is to be loved.
And the easiest thing is to love.
Remember me as an old photograph
Stuck inside the tattered pages
Of a forgotten book.
I, in my youth, was fearless.
Don't take me by the changes I've been charged with. They have done much to make this man disguised in time.
We are all once upon a year young and fearless.
Life can take you places you didn't think existed.
So be an old photograph, forever, in your mind. Be that fearless wandered, bereft of weathered time.
A long scanner in the dark tries to break the static, with a caller on the line, looking for an answer, but the answer is time, and time takes its measure the same as always. A brave thing it is to dance, and stock up moments for recall, the bliss of memory's keepsake, to be turned over and over again, like prized records spinning around the lazy hours of afternoon comforts. The soft light that bleeds through blinds creates a blanket across the wooden floors. This is yours. This is your place of changing and exchanging all that you have said and done and been before. There have been many who found their way inside, but none were ready, not even I. But how I wanted to be, and heady was the wake of my bow through the waters of your heart. I understand, now. I am no life raft, no just a buoy floating along. You know you're close to it all, but you've got a journey to troll. It's just another rap in the dusty, broken book of change that sends you here and there, so on you must go. I am not sad, no not the least. I am quite thankful, that your warm heart brushed against mine a moment and reminded me that these things are the best of all. We were meant for a time, and perhaps someday again, but my butterfly, you must glide to your own fair flower in the wake of your proportionate measure, and not one person or thing can tell you otherwise. Remember this: the beauty and bounty of your being are timeless and wonderful. I've seen your sweet spirit, if only for a moment, and I have noticed how it glimmers long and bright inside the ripples of my heart. We are children of sunshine and water. We behave with the inconsequential lust of our hearts. You have made me a better man. I want to say thank you for that.
My heart hurts
I don't care who knows it.
Fell in love with a wave,
It crashed me into nothing.
Now I don't know where I'm headed
Don't know what I do and don't regret
Just feel hollow, core all gone.
I crashed into nothing, this is my song.
Wake up sweating
Pounding in my chest.
Don't eat, don't sleep,
Can't imagine feeling like less.
Someone ripped a delicate thread,
The one that opened me up
End to end, and I can't sew
And I don't know if I have the thread.
Strange boy, stuck inside this man.
Was he always sleeping?
Did he forget to be brave all this time?
End to end
Half measured meaning, hiding
Behind the shell,
It has been cracked
And now I feel like a living hell.
*What is now cannot be forever.
What is lost must soon be found.
I'll bury this version, that much is sure.
Brave the pain for another round.
I'm a weirdo.
Uniquely the same as everyone else.
I am lost, like a child sometimes.
The very breath of me is taken straight from the waking
Of my eyes in the morning.
I lose control, so much.
But I always have two feet to stand upon.
I don't want to numb this problem.
I want to feel it sink deep into me and
Cultivate some new thing out of me,
And bind my loose ends and untie my tight holds.
I guess I'm broad and simple.
I live for the learning of it,
Probably don't take enough chances,
But love and do the best I can at all the other advances.
I want love.
I want it very, very much.
I want to be wanted, needed even,
To be a place someone else can go
When the world makes them feel this way.
Who would offer up such a measure?
Who could willingly unfurl their heart to mine,
Bind in a unison,
And go on this adventure of life together?
This is the only question I seek to answer right now.
Because I'll find a new venture.
I'll make a thing for myself that appeals to my higher nature.
I'll best my best again and again.
What good does it do to someone who wants nothing from you?
Selfish, careless love.
It's all I'm seeing in the world.
If I keep my heart on my sleeve,
If I keep allowing myself to be crushed
Will it change a person's mind someday?
The beginning of the end
Is a quickened heartbeat, close to another,
Not out of excitement,
But to close the moment without a fray.
The beginning of the end
Is a distant step away from love,
Measuring the distance to ensure safety
When the collapse finally hits,
Ah, but the end is also a beginning.
It becomes a beautiful cocoon of change.
There is always struggle to break a chrysalis,
But the end result is living without stop.
....
I chain smoke and realize I need to button up my loose ends.
In love with a ghost. She's the brightest light I've ever seen.
But bright lights don't shine long.
All the beginning began and ended somewhere inbetween.
She's not going to keep me.
It's just another pass at thinking about one's life.
I've been a stepping stone before.
I'll hope for a doorstep I'm welcome to cross.
Try once, I'll fight.
Try again, I'll bend.
I'm not that stupid, not anymore.
I love wholly,
And everything else is second in line.
What else would bind a people,
If not that one good thing?
Careless love.
It entered into us like a wave.
You rescued me from myself.
I rescued you from a sad past.
Now your scent ruminates my mind
Like stale flowers that were gifted,
And I just don't want to let go.
I can't believe I'm writing this.
Because when I write it it usually comes true.
So now let me write that I'm madly in love with you,
And you feel the same way too.
Please come to me and feel the love for me
I've never had. Someone has got to love this man...
Someone, goddamn.
I glide, I simmer, I sink.
Such abyss endless above,
When I'm flying,
Dance upon the glimmer of sun
And water binding the moments.
That's the feeling,
The feeling when I think of you.
Molecules found excited
In the wake of your mention.
How can a moment last forever?
Sweet red heart,
Burning heat in the afternoon brimming,
You arouse the wild me within
To a place without forgiving.
Every action with intention. True blue
Bustle for active understanding.
I crave you deep and heady,
Bow bent, rain brimmed,
Beautiful storm.
You are the link of love's argument.
I can't help but think of Girl From The North County by Bob Dylan when I think of you.
Then I can't help but think of a bit of Whitman, when he said, "You shall no longer take things at second or third hand, nor see from the eyes of the dead, nor feed on the spectres in books. You shall not look through my eyes either, nor take things from me. You shall listen to all sides, and filter them through yourself."
So far in this I've evaded all true worth of self projected. Let me see about that part now...
I have sang your anthem before.
I have bordered between a good and a bad man so many times.
I have been, and often am, lost and crying
for a signal light.
I should have taken to books.
I should have believed I was better.
I should know by now my sad, repeating patterns of inconsistent action.
I should have thought about this.
I want, well, to know what I want.
I want sound mind, soft heart.
I want to be at peace with someone through this journey.
I want to be wanted, just the like.
I hope to find answers.
I hope you're not mistaking my meaning.
I hope I'll be successful at the things I love and know.
I hope you'll love me, all the same.
Pink brick,
Cream canvas.
I have measured this life
In momentary bits of madness.
Car wheeze, smoke stain.
Laymen terms for most things...
It's a project, and a fit.
It's a hard look at a tapestry
Forever unfolding in the passing
Of a wakeful sleep.
When the quiet night takes me,
Stops the prowl and awakes me
Briefly,
Well, I feel a feeling
Where I need not care
If the world is meant to spin me
Or just be spun by time and
Other such nonsense.
Universally, we're all limitless.
Still in a sleep, but also alive.
I'm an audio-lamplight walkabout
Forest fire,
I'm a rough edge scrape step, stumble,
Fallen, seen in harsh light,
Scrutinized or criticized, loved or
Hated by the ones that walk around.
Too much sensory love for
The things that pull a heart so easy.
I am beaming light bent backwards
Easy, and I fold simply like
A paper plane from an older hand.
Familiarity in the crease of time when
You think about it for a moment.
God, the buildup for this beauty,
Well it's got to be something. Maybe
I'll explode into a million pieces,
And scatter me into the atmosphere
Amongst the infinite grace of
Environment.
There is no quiet, there is no quiet,
Always something on. A game,
My father's monologue about
The way work is going,
Mob ties, NFL fantasy drafts.
There is the patio,
Where in the distance I hear the hum
Of highway travel, and the trees,
Riddled with chirping things I cannot see.
The air is thicker here, with a heavy
Blanket covering me. I retreat outdoors.
I do not watch sports, and I'm lost in
Most of the common speak.
I am a loner, here at home. They don't
Mind, at least I don't think.
Still there's all this noise. Always.
Like in spring and fall, when I open
My windows to let the air in-
Endless cars go by. Trucks, fast bikes,
Sirens. There's always so much noise...
Still, it's funny. Given good silence,
Though a rare thing,
And all I want is to hear something
Out there again. To know I'm not alone.
It was that there I found a little peace.
I remember a decision; one so great
That it would shake the very foundation
Of which I'm made. I sat first on the
Crest of a small hill. In my childhood,
I would sled upon it and feel that cool
Beauty scar my face for hours, even after
I would come home, tired and occupied.
I sat and remembered, so vividly, the time
I took in my hand a green leaf, to
Signify the moment I chose you.
I was scared, perhaps frightened by
The idea of your wake, but I tell you,
I didn't want to miss out for a moment
In what it could do.
And now all those years, and all
The adventures I had in that place...
Well, they just don't stack up to
Your arms over your knees preaching
And asking for my hand for once.
You could say I took it for granted.
For that, I'm sorry.
But the green grass beckons my step,
And I descend to a place where
So many things occurred in passing.
Where I first leapt at life, in a most
Awkward way. My favorite things
Were tall trees and stars. I was
Simple then. Didn't grieve, didn't ask
For a price to give. I just became.
I stopped at a picnic table and lit a
Cigarette. I watched the sauntering
Smoke rise, relative and real from my
Hand, mimicking the notions of my
Thoughts and actions. I smelled the
Burn from my adolescence linger,
And I realized that it's all bullshit.
Life is what you make it, only don't
Lie to yourself too much and you'll
Probably stay upright and welcome.
I know that day approaches. I can see
Little light peering through thick
Curtains. And soon I will awake,
Coffee in hand, back porch for the black
Cup with a smoke. I forget my hard work
In the head that swears I'm
Doing it wrong. I should have abandoned
It long ago, but I'm stubborn, quite
Possibly insane, and yet I remain;
To kill time, I'm afraid.
"You've got a good head on your shoulders,
You just need to work on the heart thing." An
Old man said to me, as I talked briefly with him
On a cool autumn evening,
Sun brisk and fading thick behind quiet trees nearly
Empty from the wind and general change.
I walked many long hours, searching for what everyone
Wants, an answer, an affirmation; sublimated freeing
From the present stance of little knowledge...
That kind of stuff takes time, so I kept pace with tumbling leaves gliding lazy across wet walking paths around a shallow lake.
That night I had a dream. I was at my old elementary school, watching a little boy shooting hoops at a short court. He wasn't very good, but he looked happy, fumbling with the ball and running about, nimble and lithe. I asked him if I could join, and he threw me the ball and said, "shoot one." We played three games of horse, and he won two, with his signature backwards shot from ten feet away. Afterwards we sat a while and talked. It was getting dark. The overhead light, white and humming loudly, beam above us, with a growing collection of bugs surrounding it's ominous glow.
I sat on a small set of steps next to the court, the boy on his basketball. I asked him if he should be getting home, and he said that he shouldn't leave me alone this late. It struck me as funny, but I simply nodded in appreciation. He asked me where I was going, and I said I didn't know. I told him about my back porch, and long nights that come with leaving home. I told him about cats, and that love is beautiful but it can break you. I spilled my entire life for the past twelve years to him, all the while he sat on his basketball, leaning back and forth, with his elbows on his knees, holding his face in his hands, seemingly not listening, not a care in the world to him.
After I finished my dialogue there was a brief silence, then the boy stood up, bounced his ball a few times, then held it, looked at me and smiled. He said, "you've got a good heart, you just need to get your head straight". Then he walked across the playground, fading finally between two fences that opened up to an alley leading away. I stood up, walked around the court a few times, then carried on in the opposite direction, to a little park in a small valley between big houses low lit.
Young and golden,
He got a prize of beauty,
And felt the gaze often
Upon him. Then I came by,
Caught those eyes,
And maybe took her away.
Young and lazy,
The love I had I'd had so long,
So long I forgot to water it proper.
Then a boy came by,
Caught her eye,
And then she went away.
Old and blue,
Busy too long with
All you do, don't think too hard.
Probably a reason it broke.
Maybe the soul is singing.
I hear echos and choral lull
Rake grooves in my heart
To be filled by momentum
Towards a greater light.
A good man thinks long.
A good man's charge is brief.
He will fall, fail, and ignite sometimes,
But now and then he shines.
Bright light brimming,
In the deep black places,
What are you doing?
You're supposed to ignore
The fool in the back,
Quiet and unsure. Not
Worth it. Not to be considered
For the time to take your
Eyes in full, with sharp gazes that
Kind of hurt my chest
And cause a slight shortness
Of breath.
You worry me...
For how you'll affect my life.
For how I'll affect yours.
Of course, I could be off.
Probably nothing anyhow.
One-sided flutter of hopeful wings.
Television age.
Read something, I dare you.
Pick that brain for potential
To be right without an instant index.
I guarantee you'll do well;
We retain much more then we think.
You know, all the tools to open up,
To be recognized as real as you are
Still exist, but it's
Persona grata. You gotta give yourself
To someone else. Not just a glow;
Not just a happening elsewhere.
No wonder people are so fucking lost.
Ok, this is a collection of thoughts,
Taken as they fall from me.
Maybe the point is that we denigrate
The idea more and more to be real
And straightforward with one another.
Maybe that's just my fight.
Perhaps I'm a boat without harbor.
You see white sand;
I see another place I shouldn't dock.
Bright star, distant mirror,
I hear the whirl of your wake stir
Deep and heady thought;
I feel you but I don't understand.
Can't stop, even when
The bright light grows dim,
And I wipe the sweat off my brow,
Thinking all too much
That there is something bigger...
Some vast expanse, some use
For this glance high above
My current circumstance.
I crave the fruits of this world,
But I'm too reticent, afraid of change
And to lose all of the
Acceptance that I've gained.
