To Anonymous: A Question Answered

Three posts ago I put up seven poems of mine having to do with love and its different tolls on my life over the past three years. I decided to look over my blog and I noticed another comment under the two I was aware of. This person; this reader of sorts, knowing me probably fairly well at that, asks: "why don't you ever act like you feel?"

Good
Fucking
Question.

Answer: It's a helluva lot harder than it seems. Sure, sure, mystery person, do you always act the way you feel? Probably not, but you're lucky, since you asked first.

I don't act the way I feel for a million and one stupid reasons. Perhaps its fear. Perhaps its that I don't know how. Perhaps I'm always obsessed with the ideals of what is felt and not their actions. Perhaps, (and this could be the scariest of them all) I am secretly wanting of my lonely state of affairs. You see, its very easy to accept your lonliness when the person you imagine being your counterpart is so intense and unrealistic taht a lifetime wouldn't do it to find her. Well. FUck. That. I don't know why I don't. Maybe that is just the way it is. Some people have hang-ups that need be dealt with when you care for them. Maybe this is mine. Who fucking knows? This was the wrong question to ask. I am sorry if you are one who didn't mean to open such a disasterous masterpiece. I'm sure you didn't think it would be this controversial. If you did, then fuck you. I don't mean that about all things, just this one little time. If we are friends then we'll still be friends but for just that question you now know how I respond.

I know that I write this, and that things like this are to be expected. I never planned on this being anything more than a place for me to vent with myself, and perhaps for a couple others, close people to me, to see and read things that are of my mind. I did not expect people I have never known to see this, and worse, keep reading it. If you understand the tone this blog can display and remain silent it is probably for the better. If you go asking cut-throat, loaded questions like that you better damn well know what you are asking.

I'm not angry; if anyone is responsible for the way I am it is me. Still, if there is one thing I know it is that people are going to fuck up now and again, and things are going to fail. If I have fucked up with you, I. AM. SORRY.

I don't want sympathy, I just want peace.

You ask me why I don't act the way i feel, well how the hell is that? How am I to act? As far as I can remember I have never, never acted otherwise than how I felt. Including this summer. You know who you are if its you. As little as I've said about it all, you've said just as little. How, repeat HOW was I supposed to act? Answer me that, and you've found a more resolute man before you.

I apologize for the rant. This could all just be unecessary drama I have created, and if it infact is, then disregard as if this were all some stupid editorial you read in the crumby paper this morning.

Its fucking Friday night, and I have no one to see and nothing to do. How pathetic is that? Fuck. This. Town.

-C.A.